Bodega had a handwritten sign for Clif bars. F looked like T. // Worst abomination yet: “Panino’s.” // The fuck — putting a Wienermobile ad before Werner’s “Abyss”? // New game after “Thousand Island or Pepto-Bismol” is “XXX or Martha.” // I never mind being the most geriatric person in the room at food events. Hate it when olds ask me if the sidewalk is too slippery. // Italian somm friend in late 80s always lamented Americans wanted only insipid pinot grigio. Clearly, we’ve come a long way. // You know who also wasn’t a chef? James Beard. // I suspect MFK is glad not to be around to have to read entries in any contest named after her. . . // I saw what you did there: “Sitting around on Sunday? Make pork butt.” // And as some Monty Python character must have said: At least I never had to make listicles.
Archive for the ‘twittchy’ Category
Determined to move to daily posts, I am going to cheat here, right under the wire, with a few backlogged RTs/MTs&UTs: Pretty funny when waitress said she wanted to kill the kitchen for slow food. That solves everything. // Plaza Hotel really feels like “The Shining.” Expected to see Scatman in food hall. More surprised to get good food. // OFFS. The Pilgrims did not have blueberries in November. Let alone a freezer from which to extract them. // Pitying those who have to clean the bathroom after a juice cleanse. // Saw a huge roasted beet with a tail in an open restaurant kitchen the other night & thought it was a bloody rat. // “People complain about noisy restaurants, but they don’t go back to quiet ones,” says Pat Kuleto. Food Arts. 1994. // Not even durian will stink up your whole apartment like Dunkin’. // Should be a statute of limitations on restaurants posting NYT reviews. Especially of $25&Under variety. // And: Pretty funny where the Guardian files @anamariecox Duck Dynasty column. Cook their geese . . .
Dissertating about pimento cheese is like architecting about Legos. // With rhubarb and baking, it’s all known unknowns. // Sad to realize some rock salt is so outsized a dingbat Scout leader would try to break it down. // Have yet to see a functioning water dispenser in a Chase bank. Either water or cups always missing. Saving for $13 billion fine? // How could you tell if feta went bad? // Think I liked the good old days when Vitamix hid naked chefs better than the content-obscuring bullshit does today. // So where does Tuscan go to get its reputation back? Looking at you, Subway, and that “chicken melt.” // Times will never say boo about real ghostwriters. Chicken if not shit. // Someone should sell Thanksgiving Escape Packages. // Mia held that revenge until it could be served very cold. // Guess no one in NYTmag cover meeting stood up to say: This food looks like shit. Overwrought shit from behind a dated curtain at that. // If you’re promised an “exclusive,” it ain’t fucking news. // Starting to realize I liked the food world so much better when it was a backwater, not a mosh pit. // Saying it again: Who could ever have imagined food “journalism” would one day require costumes? // And how can anyone advocate eating a creature this amazing?
Used, again, Emeril skillet I got as swag. Reminded, again, that chefs put their names on some pretty shitty shit. // “The bigger the set, the crappier the quality.” // “Underground chef” sounds like one who cooks in a cavern. Beware the roast stalactites. (Necromuncher, @dirtydiningdsm responded) // “Hangar” steak should only be served in airports. // The poor heartland — shut out again. Kolaches to me will always be Nebraskan. . .
I’m so old I remember when coke fueled the fud world. Not Coke. // What’s filthier than lucre? Touch screens as menus. // Sad to see “legit” journamalists touting sponsored content. But then Butterball pandering predates BuzzFeed. // Who needs terrorists when we have Big Ag? // Was told at @UnSqGreenmarket it’s “last day for the blues.” Except for berries, j’doubt it. // I’m so old I remember when Meatpacking District had a double meaning. // Oilier than molasses? //And yes, I am going to stage my own intervention, thanks very much.
Lunch date mentioned a woman who wrote 70 cookbooks. More likely one cookbook 70 times. // Doesn’t “flavor’s only skin deep” imply all that rubbing will leave you thinking “tastes like chicken”? // Washing dishes, I always remember chefs put their names on some pretty shitty shit. // Stocking Halloween candy in stores before Labor Day should be a capital offense. // The everything bagel was a pretty dumb emblem for an NYC campaign. What, you’re seedy and hollow at the core? // Whenever I accidentally ingest papalo, I understand how cilantro haters feel . . . // Young power ladies lunch. Olds buy nights in the George V with chairs & knives. // And blame Columbus for ratatouille.
A market with a single farmer is just a stand. Apostrophes matter. // Always remember hearing of an 80s megarich socialite who would lunch at Le Cirque on a (plain) baked potato and a diet Coke. // Green Tea Jesus wept: a recipe for Rice Krispies Treats using matcha? // Never order a mixed drink in a beer bar. (Wine, I already knew.) // I guess we should feel glad wingnuts only want kids to starve, not be poisoned as in India. // Hope no one drowns at TCOT this year. // And things I enjoy typing: Oh, fuck the JBF.
Buttered necks are harder to choke. // DOMA Day would have been a good time for the Butter Guzzler to announce she was marrying a Lady. // Scary movie concept: “Last Tango in Savannah.” // “Literally anything you can think of, you can probably find on a cruise,” said Carolyn Spencer Brown, the editor in chief of Cruise Critic. Shit on a shingle, perhaps? // “A Hijacking” is one great movie about a cook, a fish, a goat and greed in a global economy. // Had papalo in my cemita. Now understand how people feel about cilantro . . . // “Grade pending” is the new “keep out” sign in NYC. // Unfortunate sign at a farmers’ market: “I am standing for Turkey.” Breast or legs? // Specials are like tryouts in Philadelphia. But you’re paying for NYC tickets. // Chef is a grievously abused word. A 17-year-old w/out a kitchen staff? Does. Not. Qualify.
An heirloom tomato from a greenhouse is still just a hothouse tomato. // A photo of a pulled pork sandwich should never look like a used Kotex. // Would never want to be caught at happy hour with MoDo & Ginny Noonan. The bitters would flood the joint. // Not sure anyone ever wants Brussels sprouts in macaroni and cheese. But definitely not in asparagus season. // First time I tasted black truffle thought it was like something you’d scrape off your shoe bottom. // Tip for restaurants: Don’t have “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?” playing while you keep people on hold forever . . . // If I were the grudge-holding sort, I’d wonder where the E-Rectum mob was when the Schnorrer recycled a feature that once made them grab their pitchforks to defend his originality. // Just read that “jewelry” falling into produce is a big threat to food safety. Yep, those diamonds on poorly paid fingers do carry the bacteria. // Excellent Colbert on the aspersions on the asparagus. // And pinot grigio is Italian for insipid.
Also, too: I came home from the 15 CPW commissary and Tweeted/FB’d that rich people don’t care about flavor. To which one Swift-savvy reader responded: Yeah, they eat the poors with ketchup without tasting them first.
Wondered what “white pinot noir” might be. Turns out it’s “unpretentious rosé.” Or, the new white zinfandel. // First thing you learn when reporting on the bog on cranberries is that the people who produce them are adamantly not farmers but growers. // New rule: restaurant designers should have to eat a meal in every seat they cram in. (Walked out o’Fat Radish rather than face wall off bar.) // @DwightGarner read this memoir so we don’t have to. Ouch, to put it mildly. // Just found this Aldo Leopold: Humans are like the “potato bug, which exterminated the potato and thereby exterminated itself.” // Cheese: When it’s not snobbish indulgence of the elites, it’s junk food for the poors. // Sometimes you can only tell mango by the color. // And the best dairy name ever has to be: SoyCow SoyMilk. (Video should show udders on the beans.)
Tweezers are fine cooking’s way of saying: Slow down, you’re eating too fast. // I misread Pollan as Palin and thought Monty Python was back with a cheese nun sketch. // Cheerleaders are trouble. // With fish, baked is another way of saying fucked. // “Fat kebabs sweating on spits” would put you off your Istanbul dinner. // So scrapple is the new lard? (Sorry. Does not compute.) // Flair/flare is the new palate/palette. // Not even 1 1/2 shades of grey. // And guess we have to wait 60 years to hear the Chimp’s taster come clean. Although that poor woman would have been restricted to pretzels and hot dogs, not asparagus and pasta.
Also, too, I started to post this but thought better of it, given the loons loose on the series of tubes: “Instead of trying to save the ducks (as if), these people should get (mental) help for themselves.” Considering I was uncharacteristically too timid to Tweet, I’d say terrorism works.
America: Where the women are butchers and the pigs are nervous. // If you want your fud-world book read, spring for the index. // Blanked out where I read someone referring to something tasting like angel food cake. Shorter description: Like nothing. // Official end o’ Internets: RT @LaughingSquid: True Facts About The Duck by Ze Frank via @linecook // There’s a difference between a chef’s “rip” on a classic and his “riff.” One is both less aromatic and less ignitable. / / No calf’s liver, please. We’re PETA.
Sunripe is a shrewd brand for tomatoes: leave off the s for truth in labeling. // Other people’s enviable trips were easier to stomach when you had to wait a month to get a postcard . . . // Funny to see “farmers’ market roasted vegetable tacos” on a menu after just leaving a Greenmarket selling mostly potatoes and beets. Gracias, no. // Overheard obviously new cat owners at Petland today, reading can labels: “What cat eats lamb?” Um. Any that get a chance? // Wondering, as always with OpenTable: What does it profit a restaurant to appear fully booked online if it suffers the loss of half the dining room?
Lots o’ great stuff in this “conversation” with @michaelpollan. (Now I understand yogurt frenzy: latest sugar pipeline.)
Finally, I was outdone after Tweeting that every time I read about a chef with a “signature flare” I think of burning food. @acookblog responded: “It’s only used as a distress call. Like if he’s trapped on a dessert island or something.”