Calling Marlon Brando

I was cringing at what the world must think of this circus we have going here, with a Rachael a heartbeat away from the nukular weapons, but then I spotted a photo of the orange one jackassing around Spain and realized we’re already an international laughingstock. I think it was Adam Gopnik who pointed out how Americans traveling in shorts look absurdly like overgrown children, but this guy takes it to the slobbiest ends, with the in-your-face socks and kiddy shoes and the true marker of nationality, the Santa circumference. I know he can’t easily help that, but as essential ambassador for this food world, could he at least dress for respect? I can only assume the Spaniards had good gag reflexes. Those nekkid calves would be enough to put a whole country off its chorizo.