Show me the way to George V

Dear Etiquette Arbiter: I would like to have my restaurant/product/event mentioned in the powerful outlet that has let you hang around for double donkey’s years. What is the proper approach, please?

A: Eat merde and die.

This is the funniest development since a certain desk had to be moved because a big editor complained that the constant barking was “just too unpleasant.” Remember, kids, always raise your pinky when you’re rude.