I read “low sodium” on a label as “just add salt.” // Great word you rarely come across these days: decoction. Antithesis of “Modernist Cuisine.” // I spent almost as much time cooking as dicking around on the internets today. Good thing I already know neither pays. // Once again, the All-Clad is encrusted, soaking its wounds, while Lodge cast iron’s been wiped clean, ready to report for heavy duty again. // America: Where kimchi carries an expiry date. . . // Don’t want to sound bigoted, but one red leaf will rot the whole bag of mesclun.

Would like to steal from Jon Stewart for “celebs” promoting veganism under the cover of animal rights: Shut up and shut up. //  Finally, the animal rights movement is extending to humans: App to find restaurants that treat workers well // Better than pie: burger chart // Because who doesn’t want brominated vegetable oil in a “sports” drink? Fascinating look at the GRAS process. // Malort is starting to sound like the durian of alcohol — so disgusting you have to try it. // Two and a half hours into a press lunch the other week, the other olds at the table were grumping about Twitter: “How does anyone have the time?” I certainly wouldn’t know. I skipped dessert and came home to find out.

Is spatchcock code? For wide stance, say? // Sometimes I read a chef profile and hear horseshit calling, saying it wants its reputation back. // Definition of stale: four-year-old linkbait. // Signs seen at Union Square Greenmarket: “gords” and “hairy balls.” // Was Iron Chef sponsored by Crisco cuz lard has no ad budget? // Glazed chicken thighs sounds like a geriatric spa treatment. // Frank Prial was a prickly character. But jeebus, did he ever know the regions/wines/winemakers about which he wrote. . . Terroir is not a wine shop.  // At this point it’s starting to seem as if there’s a thin line between a Julia biographer and a ghoul. Let her RIP. // Often wonder if many food world people don’t step away from an air kiss thinking: “That smelled like ass.” // And I always suspect Trump & the Furry Anus were separated at birth. Both share the reversed end of the alimentary canal.

Saw a woman at a neighborhood market studying the long label on an acorn squash and wanted to go over and give her the short version: Buy. Any. Other. Kind. // One of my favorite parts of eating on the Upper East Side is watching women try to fit food into their overfixed pie holes. // This would be a good week to revive the eclair. //Pretty clear there are more cheeses on the planet than clichés to use in headlines about them. // And I don’t want to sound weightist, but Walgreens staff “happy healthy” T-shirts should not come in XXXXL . . .

Is there any honorific more abused than “Chef”? // NYT won’t correct mislocated phone-booth library but will tell you butter is not lard (or vice versa). // Grimmest view of the future in “Looper”: “soy steak” on the menu in the diner. // Congrats to the Drivelist on beating the junkyard dog — as Gary Larsen would illustrate it: Rusty’s in the club! // The only surprise with Taco Bell anointing a Tin Chef is that the chain didn’t aim higher. So many others would have dived for those dollars. // Bad idea of the hour: tofu gnocchi. // Something about the promise of “first-class transportation to Atlantic City” makes me laugh. But I’m sure other food writers will jump on it. // Somehow I doubt Anntoinette bakes her own cakes. // And “free hot dog with drink” sounds like a threat, not a temptation.

Dear PR peoples: There’s a difference between fame and notoriety. A big one.//Latin food is not the same as Latino food (for starters, one involves garum).//And I do not miss having periods at all.

Prosciutto is how rich people salt their cantaloupe. Nothing goes with crookneck squash like nutmeg — or vice versa. “Comfort food that hugs you” sounds more like a horror movie than a cookbook — Little Kitchen of Linguine. Not sure we should be getting excited about Wagyu from Japan, where the Japanese can no longer even eat the rice. Do we need another teetotaler in the White House? — abstinence makes you war-thirsty. Isn’t carrot tartare the second ingredient in coleslaw?  When it comes to Chinese restaurants, new is not always better. . . Never eat in a sushi bar serving a “grandma roll” — Japanese for Soylent? Whenever I see a chef recipe targeted at civilians calling for nearly a quart of (unrecyclable) olive oil, I want to move to Planet Clueless. Remember tomato water? (Always sounded like one took a leak. Which is what one did in my bag on the way home today.) Typhoid Mary was a cook (& oldsters in Manhattan can’t walk past Chelsea pizzeria where patrons got hepatitis for free).  And if the apple slices oxidize before your speech ends, your presentation needs more wine.

What’s the biggest similarity between the internets and the kitchen? With either, it’s so much easier to be a consumer than a creator.

Other thoughts from over to the Twitter, some posted, some not, some bloated:

–Nothing Twittsults worse than having some wingnut with 30 followers dissing you. Stings like a GMO-doomed honeybee.

–I’m always grateful for lists of “kid-friendly” restaurants — I take them as a warning.

–I tasted buckwheat sprouts at the Greenmarket for the first time and loved them. Came home and Googled, though, and learned they’re either the greatest thing ever. Or they’ll kill you. The internets never disappoints.

–Inside fudball, but it seemed kinda bitchy to shove Marcella into someone else’s sendoff. Mean girls should not evoke the scent in a Richard Thompson song.

–This very well may be be the saddest cookbook ever. But runner-up has to be the new collection of 200 recipes using canned fish. Paul Krugman is right: We do need to end this depression now.

—Grown in Amercia (& endorsed by soda companies/Deenabetes — you are what you excrete)

Some things I Tweeted, some I didn’t:

–Silverskin sounds the Tiffany condom, endorsed by the miraculously child-free Callista.

–Not sure saffron should be pitched as an appetite suppressant; to me it always tastes like bathroom tile to begin with.

–Say what you will about Bloomberg, but he’s good for food entrepreneurs.

–Dug out my Cuba notebook as friends are heading off to Havana. Apparently what once were tourist traps are now teevee-validated . . .

–Will never get used to the NYT needing a PR agent to tell the world what’s on its front page . . .

–Why the gun slaughter in the Seattle cafe was worth more than a brief in the NY.

–Please, CCA, open re-education camps for supermarket execs oblivious to how dependent they are on public benefits. Food stamps R them.

–Hate to rain on anyone’s tomato fields, but if you’re seeing “local” tomatoes in May in the Northeast, they are still coming from the greenhouse.

–And a bar sign from Portland, O.